A Tribute to Joan...I Miss You

On October 21, 2014, my mother Joan died rather suddenly at her home of complications related to lung cancer.
 
She never smoked a day in her life.
 
Mom was a kind and generous woman who possessed a great love for life. Generally, she had taken good care of herself throughout her life, but her courageous fight against her cancer would prove to be a short one. Her life ended a mere 10 weeks after she was given the stunning and devastating news that she had Stage 4 lung cancer. What was a persistent nuisance, a cough and some bothersome pain in her side for a period of time virtually overnight became “three to six months to live.” Her doctor delivered the news rather clinically and coldly. Perhaps she could buy a bit more time if she opted to pursue an aggressive regimen of radiation, chemotherapy and drug treatments and suffer horribly with all the side effects and symptoms that each of these treatments surely would deliver. She declined these treatments preferring to live out the rest of her days on her terms more or less. Our family was very proud of Mom’s decision. My mother created a “bucket list” of sorts with the help of family, but most notably by Mom’s “best friend” who happens to be my sister, Mary. The best friend status between Mom and Mary was always mutual for as long as I can remember.
 
In the coming weeks, the “bucket list”, consisting mostly of little things that Mom wanted to do, see or experience again, was pursued as aggressively as her condition would allow. There were good days, and there were days of great suffering. Living here in the Flathead, it became increasingly difficult to be far away from the situation. I returned to Connecticut in late September to help out my family with Mom’s health needs and work further on her “bucket list”. I spent a week, in hindsight one of the most special and precious times of my life, doing things that she wanted to do----taking the ferry across Long Island Sound and having lunch, visiting a great winery in the northwest hills of Connecticut, exploring the autumn countryside, and singing old Neil Diamond and classic country songs along the way. Most importantly, we talked a great deal about a wide range of topics. She worried about what would happen to us, months hence, after she was gone. What is your father going to do? Your brother? … and on down the line. She had long been the foundation and ultra caregiver our family and was not comfortable with the idea of giving up that role.
 
I saw Mom alive for the last time on October 4th as I headed to the airport. I needed to return to Montana. I promised her that I would see her again for the holidays, and I truly believed I would. It was not to be. Instead, the lung cancer became more aggressive still, and I returned to Connecticut 17 days later to attend to her affairs and deliver her eulogy.
 
My mother was always fond of writing down little sayings and quotes on slips of paper, and often, leaving them around for people to find and read. I found two of these on the desk in the guestroom where I would stay and write her eulogy during her funeral week. I believe in my heart that Mom left them there specifically for me to find. The first stated simply, “Live each day to the fullest for NOTHING is promised.” On the second in obviously weaker and shakier handwriting, the words “When you are down to nothing, God is up to something.” My guess is that shortly after writing that line my mother found out what God planned for her. Mom is in a better place now.
 
I am proud of you Mom. I love and miss you desperately. I would give anything to spend another 10 minutes with you sitting on that bench overlooking the Sound, or to receive one more of your weekly phone calls, and to say some of the things that I forgot to say before you left.
 
You were right Mom. Nothing is promised. I am still dealing with the swiftness of your departure from this earth.
 
In the wake of my mother’s passing, and after doing research into lung cancer and its causes, I was surprised to find out that my mother’s case was like that of many others---a NON-smoker who never suspected that she could have lung cancer and did not find out until it was much too late. Like many lung cancer victims, she exhibited no symptoms until only a short time before her death. I was stunned by much of the information and statistics that I found regarding lung cancer and its increasing pervasiveness especially among women. This despite the fact that the number of women who smoke has been declining significantly in the United States for decades. According to the American Lung Association, lung cancer is in fact the #1 cancer killer of women in the United States. Over the last ten years, lung cancer killed more women in America than breast cancer and colorectal cancer combined according to the Center for Disease Control, and the slight majority of these lung cancer victims were women who did not smoke.
 
Unfortunately, because of the stigma often attached to lung cancer and its link to smoking, funding for research into the disease and its causes aside from smoking is paltry in comparison to other forms of cancer. There are few, if any, runs or walks or events of any kind to raise lung cancer awareness. There are no football players wearing specifically colored uniform accessories to promote lung cancer awareness during televised games. On the contrary, public awareness is minimal as a majority of people feel that lung cancer is a “self-inflicted” disease----and perhaps some times it is. I can tell you from my personal experience with my mother that “self inflicted” is not always necessarily the case. Why do women who have not been smokers get lung cancer? Many studies suggest simple genetics and family history as contributing factors. Others suggest exposure to pollutants, second hand smoke, and a myriad of other health factors. In short, it is very often completely unfair to blame the victim when it comes to lung cancer.
 
What can you do? Most importantly, get tested! Smokers and nonsmokers, make a lung x-ray a regular part of your annual medical checkup. Insist on it even if you exhibit no symptoms of deteriorating lung health. Such an x-ray early on might have saved my mother’s life. Secondly, get aware!
 
Additional information is available through the American Lung Association’s Lung Force at www.lungforce.org. Lung force is a national movement to unite women in the fight against lung cancer and for lung health. Join the Lung Force teams led by national spokespersons actress Valerie Harper as well as singers Jewel and Kellie Pickler. Your voice, your support and your passion are all needed to stop lung cancer.
 
The Sound of Silence By Simon & Garfunkel
Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted
In my brain still remains
Within the sound of silence
In restless dreams, I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
'Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash
Of a neon light that split the night
And touched the sound of silence
And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices
Never shared and no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence
"Fools", said I, "You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you"
But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed in the wells of silence
And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said, The words of the
prophets are written
On the subway walls and tenement halls
And whispered in the sounds of silence"

Originally published in 406 Woman magazine - Off Key Notes February/March 2015

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